Sometimes life is hard

I was in court on Monday on a case where the mother, who has a background of mental health and substance abuse issues, apologized to everyone for her attitude at the beginning of her case, and said she had realized finally that she wasn't angry at CPS or at the situation she was currently in, but was angry at some of the things that had happened in her life to this point. The judge told her that she felt her insight indicated that she was sober, because it's not unusual when you are sober for life to hurt, and to be hard, and she's right.

I've never had a problem with mental health issues. I've never had a problem with substance abuse issues. I have, however, had a problem with dealing with emotional pain. It's always been easy for me to distance myself from difficult news. To look at things in a practical way and to analyze the situation, and to deal with the emotional needs of others effected without dealing with my own.

I did that when my Dad died. My justification for that was that I was simply trying to stay strong for my Mother, so that she could grieve without worrying about all us kids, as my brothers both fell apart and were of little emotional help to my Mother. As time went by, it became easier to shut out the pain and to think of other things. It was easier to deal with the things that needed to be done rather than with the emotions I was feeling. It was easier to just not feel at all. But the effect of that was that in not allowing myself to feel, I didn't allow myself to heal. And the longer you go without feeling, the harder it becomes to feel in other situations, both good and bad.

The past year has been a rough one for me. I have had some realizations about myself that I haven't liked and I hope that through that I have made some changes in myself to make myself a better person, a better wife, and a better mother. Part of that involves being more open to my feelings, both good and bad, and being more able and willing to live in the joy of the moment, even the ordinary ones, rather than spending so much time looking to and planning for those things yet to come. I think I've made some progress. I hope I have.

The last few days have been a test of that. Allowing myself to feel the pain that I have over Roxie's death. Allowing myself to remember, and to work through my feelings without shoving them aside in order to be strong for Mike and for the kids. I have caught myself doing that some still. I still tend to display that pain when they aren't around. But I realize I'm doing it, and I try not to. I think that's progress after all.