The hardest day of the year

It was 15 years ago today that my father left my life, very suddenly, and very unexpectedly. It was a Tuesday evening. I had last seen him that previous Sunday when I had been home for the weekend. I had been taking some pictures out at the cemetery for an assignment in my photography class. "Why do you want to take pictures there," he asked, "There's nothing but dead people there." How ironic 2 weeks later as I developed those very pictures. The phone rang that evening as I was studying. It was my brother Mike telling me that he and my sister-in-law were on their way to pick me up, that my dad had suffered a heart attack and was at the hospital. My reaction was "You're kidding." Of course he wasn't. I packed a bag and waited for him to get there. About half way through the hour trip back, Mike's pager went off. He stopped at a gas station to call and was told that my father had died. I think the world stopped. The next half hour was the longest of my entire life. In one way, I so wanted to get to my mother. In another, I never wanted to get there, because as long as I didn't have to see her, I could pretend that it wasn't true.

I still miss him every single day. They say that it gets easier as time passes. For the most part that's true. I don't grieve every day anymore. I think more often of him in terms of good memories rather than sorrow. I look at Clayton who looks so much like him and smile rather than cry. But still, there are days that it is just so hard. Days like today. Days that I think about the fact that he never got to see me graduate from college or law school. He never got to see me do my thing in a courtroom with a confidence and self assuredness of which he would have been so proud. He never got to meet Mike, or walk me down the aisle, or hold my babies. He didn't get to brag about how his little girl interviewed with the governor's office for consideration to a district court bench.

Until the birth of my children, when I realized how very precious each day with them was, I would have gladly traded 10 years off my life just to have one more day with my dad. One day to tell him that I loved him. One more day to hug him. One more day to tell him all the thoughts and feelings that I never did. One more day to ask him questions about himself. One more day to ask his advice for all the situations that I would run into for the entire rest of my life. Just one more day to see his face and hear his voice.

I've gotten so many qualities from my dad, both bad and good, and I cherish them all because they came from him. My dry sense of humor. My tendency to tease my children. My ability to do more listening than talking when someone needs to vent. My ability to stay calm and clear when everyone around me is freaking out. My love of reading and crossword puzzles. There are many things in life which I aspire to be, but the one I hope for most is simple. I hope that when I die, people will think as highly of me as they did my dad.

I love you Dad, and I miss you, every day of my life.